How to Please Your Husband

By Sarah Clements

Ask him how his day was.

Don’t wait, do it as soon as he walks in the door.

Have dinner cooking, use the garlic and rosemary,

make sure he can hear the chicken sizzling on the stove.

Be at the stove. Make sure you’re holding a spatula, or a spoon, or a strainer.

Apologize for dinner not being ready.

You had to work late. The store was busy. The baby had a meltdown.

Ask him again, how was his day?

Fix the plates and drinks while he gets cozy.

Make yourself busy in the kitchen while he finds something to watch on TV.

Never mind that you were watching something.

Encourage him to watch what he wants,

speak louder as he turns up the volume. Don’t yell.

Bring his plate after he is comfortable on the couch.

Sit down with your plate. Where’s his beer?

Apologize and put your plate down. Smile because he called you his darling.

Get his beer. Don’t forget to open it. Bring his beer and sit back down.

Act interested in what’s on the TV. Thank him for liking your cooking. Does he want more?

Bring him another beer. Don’t forget to open it.

Finish your food. Take both of your plates. Don’t forget the empty beer bottles.

Go clean the kitchen. But you’re missing the show, he says.

Stop every minute or two while putting away the food to stand in the doorway

to laugh at the TV. Laugh loud enough so he hears you over the TV.

Keep cleaning the kitchen. Do the dishes, scrub the pans.

Can you bring him another beer? Don’t forget to open it. That’s the last beer?

Run to the store to get more. Put it in the fridge.

Sit down, but don’t wake him up.

He had a long day and deserves to nap on the couch.

Turn the TV down. Why did you turn it down? He’s not sleeping. Turn it back up for him.

Rub his feet. Not like that. Really get in there.

Put the baby to bed and enjoy the brief


Sit back down on the couch. Careful, don’t wake him up again. Turn the TV down. Why did you

turn it down? Turn it back up for him. Why didn’t you ask him about his day? The women at 

work ask him about his day, why can’t you? Don’t you know how lucky you are to have a

faithful husband? Apologize and ask him again about his day. You can make it up by rubbing his

feet. Rub his feet. Sit there and watch loud TV while he snores. Wait until you are too tired to

hold your head up. Turn the TV off. Gently whisper to him that it’s time for bed. Let’s go to bed.

But it’s only ten o’clock, he just got off work. Why don’t you ever spend any time with him?

Turn the TV back on. Just go to bed, he’ll stay up alone. Go to bed and cry yourself to sleep.